The Poophole We Call Earth
One of man's eternal questions asks; "Why are we here? What is the meaning of life?" In simpler terms; "Is there such a thing as destiny?" Minds greater than mine have asked it and even greater minds have shrugged their shoulders.

Well, don't look at me. I don't know much about the meaning of life. And what I do know it took me 40 years to figure out. Here is what I know.

I know that one day I will get very sick and die.

I know that if you stuff a midget into a mailbox, it will starve to death unless someone feeds it.

I know that people that are afraid of heights shouldn't grow up.

I know that when you stand up in the middle of your kid's christmas pagent and announce to the entire auditorium that you've gotta take a piss and you'll be right back, you might as well start looking at apartments.

I know that an icy parking lot and a midget with a couple of bags of groceries is like Christmas, a birthday and the fourth of July all rolled into one.

I know that for some reason my dog avoids me after sex.

I know that when you have sex with your dog it ruins that whole "man's best friend thing." Everything changes.

I know everyone thinks picking your nose is gross, but wiping your ass with your shirtail is worse.

I know that when you're late for a party and you're driving really fast and slam on the brakes...the person sitting next to you holding the bowl of punch gets really pissed off.

I know that having sex on rollerskates may sound romantic, but that's only until you roll over your own balls.

That's what I know.

I leave you with the words of Frank Lloyd Wright

"It's mine and I'll wash it as fast as I want to."

Later

eMs

Pope Darnell Jesus Bob Abraham the 1st
Have ya heard the news? We have a neck and neck race for the popehood. To make it even better, the frontrunners are in no particular order: A Nigerian, a Honduran, A French Jew and a Ukrainian transplant from Connecticut. What an exciting race this promises to be. There are many challenges the Vatican has lately and whomever takes that pointy hat is going to be a busy man. Let's take a look at the candidates. (the list I used was posted on pope list

Francis Arinze - Nigeria

The list says that being black is both an asset and a liability to Francis. Hey, I am willing to bet that if he becomes pope, two things will happen.

1) There will be a sharp decline in alter boy rape almost immediately.
I have seen pictures of this brother and he doesn't look like the type of cat to roll that way. I can see it now, his first day in office, he would get all the priests on a web conference and tell them,

"Look, as of now...there will be no more fuckin'. No more rubbin' grinding, humping, bumpin. No more strokin', pokin' or jackalackin. The shorties are off limits. Y'all wanna fuck each other, go right ahead. Leave the young brothers alone."

2) The old pope robe will have to go.
The entire style of the Catholic church would change. The pope couldn't be showing up with P Diddy at the Image awards wearing that tired old bathrobe John Paul wore. We'll see the pope in nice Hugo Boss suits with a new pair of Gators for each day of the week.


Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga - Honduras


The list says this guy once compared the media to Stalin and Hitler. Wow! He may be the biggest latin tabloid darling since J-LO and the one thing to take our minds off Brad and Jen. Once again he would make the rape problem go away one way or another. He knows his way around a reporter and if the grab ass doesn't actually go away, I guarantee we will never hear about it again.

Some say there's a feeling that it's latin America's's turn at the popehood. God bless em' I say. Although, I don't think the clothing and the Vatican would change very much. The inside of most latin homes looks like a church anyway and those robes are real close to bullfighter outfits already. Okay, that was lame, I was searching for a joke and all I could come up with was bullfighters. But I think I made my point.

Jean-Marie Lustiger-Archbishop of Paris
A 79 archbishop of Paris whose mother was killed in a concentration camp. Hmmmm...let us think for a minute...ah yes... FUCK HIM! (It is the French that we hate right?)

Lubomyr Husar-Ukraine
Okay, the list says THIS guy's problem is that he is AMERICAN!. Do I really need to say more about the way the world feels about us. This right here speaks volumes about America's's image. What do we tell our children now? "You can grow up to be whatever you want to be...except the Pope. W screwed that up for you. Sorry, sweetie but everybody hates us..."

Use my little breakdown here as you like. Remember, we may not get to vote on the pope election...but we can still bet on it.

I leave you with the words of Bob Smith,

"Gimme something to put through this window."

Until then,

eMs

Cedar Chips and the Sports Section
So, it occurred to me that I never actually explained about Dave Thomas. I know I promised to and I guess I just got carried away with the story about the whore and the guy with the crutches.

To begin with let me say that I know that Dave Thomas is dead. SO, let me also say that one day I will visit said gravesite and in no particular order, eat a Big Mac, piss and dance on it.

Let me start from the beginning. Years ago, 14 maybe, I was on my way to school after dropping my kid off at daycare. On the radio I hear that Dave Thomas is signing books at a Wendy's location near where I was. I was hungry and they had just come out with the .99 menu. As a young father, this was the greatest thing to me. I could feed my whole family of 3 for under 5 dollars. I decided to swing by and thank Mr. Thomas in person for cutting America a break.

I had only 3 dollars so I couldn't afford a book, but I stood in line after getting my food and decided I would have him sign my Wendy's bag. I thought it was clever and as I got near the front of the line I began to think about what I was going to say to him when it was my turn.

Finally I was next and as I handed him my bag, I said, "I just want to tell you that I think you revolutionized the fast food industry." Then I told him the bit about feeding a family of three for under 5 dollars.

He looks up and says..."Whatever..."

That's why Dave Thomas is a Rat Bastard.

I know he did all that stuff for orphans, but i am an orphan too and I never saw dime one from his sorry ass.

Let everyone hear me say this...Dave Thomas is a Rat Bastard

Now, I leave you with the words of McDonald's founder Ray Kroch

"Now why in God's name would anyone want more than 1 pickle on a hamburger?"

Until then,

eMs

A Sunburned Whore Left DNA in my Van
Have you ever had someone you barely know blurt out a total confession to something really heinous? Not like a friend or a coworker, but someone at a bar you just met that night? Or waiting in line at the bank? And when I say heinous, I don't mean that they got too much change back at the gas station one time and kept it, or they cheat on their taxes. I mean like something really bad, like bank robbery or killing a whore in Mexico. I can see some of you are still confused, so let me illustrate.

The other day I went to see the doctor. See, I fell down the stairs and hurt my neck at my grandmother's house a couple of days ago while I was helping her get one of her oxygen tanks from the basement and my lawyer wanted me to get a full checkup before we filed the lawsuit.

Anyway, not that the cab ride down there wasn't nice, but I would rather endure three solid minutes of oral sex from Terry Bradshaw than drive across town at 1 in the afternoon in the back of what appeared to be and smelled like a landfill. By the time I got there I had already sweat out most of my urine sample and had my prostate checked three times by the seat springs. I had forgotten all about my neck.

So, I limp into the waiting room and up to the girl at the front desk. (Mind you the place was already stocked to the rafters with the afflicted.) On my way there I passed three coughers, a moaner, two snorters and a guy holding a partridge with a pear tree sticking out of his ass.

I tell the girl who I am and she tells me to sit down and the doctor will be with me shortly. I tell her I wouldn't seem so short if she would climb down off of her high horse and I turn and begin looking for a seat.

Finally, I limp over to an empty next to this guy who seemed to be in a deep conversation with one of his crutches. I sat down and eventually he turned to me and this is what he said;

"I got this whore with a really bad sunburn one time. Then after I killed her down by the river, I had to vacume all of the dead skin and DNA out of my van."

After determining whether or not I had just swallowed my gum (which I had) I looked at him and said, "It's all the morning sun rays that they get. And let's face it, who has time to moisturize when you blow 20 or 30 guys a day?"

He nodded and went back to telling his crutch about the three little pigs. Just then my name was called by the nurse and I never saw the guy again.

Strange huh? Part of me likes to think that I was merely in the right place at the right time to hear that story. But the other part of me wonders if this guy had seen something in me that told him I was the one. The one he was meant to confide in. This secret had been nagging at him, eating him from the inside out for years and I come along and ease his burden. Just like that.

Just something to chew on....

I leave you with the words of George Washington Carver--

"Who the Hell left the goddamn cap off the toothpaste?"
Regards,

eMs

Yes, Dave Thomas is a rat bastard...
That's right ladies and genitals...Dave Thomas is a rat bastard. I can hear your whiny little voices now

"What? The Dave Thomas? A Rat Bastard? I don't understand."

Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna fill you in shortly. Before I do though, allow me to let you in on a little secret. Now, I am only gonna say this once so you really need to pay attention.

"WHEN IT COMES TO DAVE THOMAS, I DON'T WANT YOUR CONTRARY OPINIONS. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND BECAUSE IT WON'T WORK. I HAVE MADE MY DECISION AND NO AMOUNT OF PLEADING AND CRYING WILL DO ANYTHING TO SWAY ME. IF IT TAKES ME THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF HIM. I VOW TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT NO AMOUNT OF FAME AND REKNOWN IS AN EXCUSE FOR A LACK OF MANNERS AND APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR."

Okay, now that it is out in the open, I will leave this idea to fester for a while. Until tomorrow's entry when I will effectively and efficiently skewer the memory of this once great burger maven.

I leave you with the words of Anne Frank--

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Regards,

eMs